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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24206734">Your Fears Don't Define You</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Donovanspen/pseuds/Donovanspen'>Donovanspen</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Don't Push Me Away [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Shadowhunters (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alec Lightwood Needs A Hug, Anxiety, Arachnophobia, Caring Magnus Bane, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Supportive Magnus Bane, Upset Alec Lightwood</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 15:41:19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,823</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24206734</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Donovanspen/pseuds/Donovanspen</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Alec is embarrassed that Magnus had to rescue him from the spider in the shower. Magnus wishes his boyfriend wasn’t so hard on himself. </p>
<p>“Alec opened his mouth to reassure Magnus, but the words wouldn’t come out. He didn’t know what to say. It wasn’t all right. It had never been, and it never would be. He was a Shadowhunter. An irrational fear had no room in his life.”</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Don't Push Me Away [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1747138</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>9</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>208</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Your Fears Don't Define You</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I always thought Alec was very open with Magnus once he decided to be with him. I wanted to explore the possibility that Alec may have struggled with letting his guard down and letting Magnus see some of those vulnerable moments.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Alec tilted his head back and let the warm spray flow over his face. Magnus’s shower was truly magical. The water never ran cold, and the water pressure was just right for easing the tension in his tight muscles. He ran his hand through his hair in an attempt to rinse out the last of the shampoo. He opened his eyes and turned around to direct the stream onto the back of his neck. From the corner of his vision, he saw a dark object. He immediately tensed up as his eyes focused. His adrenaline surged as he made out the distinctive hairy body and eight legs of the spider crawling on the other side of the shower wall.</p>
<p>Alec felt as if he couldn’t breathe. He had no idea how it had gotten inside the shower with him or for how long it had been there. He edged away from it and was planning to step out of the shower when the spider started crawling towards him. Alec let out a garbled scream and scrambled backwards to get away. His foot slipped in the wet tub, and he lost his balance. He fell against the wall with the back of his head hitting against the tile and his lower back scraping against the tub spigot.  Pain shot through his body and his vision blurred for a moment. He was able to focus enough to see the spider was no longer crawling towards him but was still moving along the wall.  He began to thrash about to get up and out the tub, but his panicked movements along with the slippery surface made it hard for him to gain traction.   </p>
<p>“Alexander!”</p>
<p>Alec looked up and saw Magnus hovering beside the tub.</p>
<p>“Sweetheart, are you ok? What happened?” He reached over and turned off the water and then settled his hands on Alec’s arms as he tried to help get him to his feet.</p>
<p>Alec flinched away as his eyes darted back to the spider who was no longer moving but just hanging out on the wall, mocking him. “Spider,” he gasped.</p>
<p>Magnus glanced over to where Alec was staring, and then waved his hand. The spider disappeared.</p>
<p>Alec began looking around. He pulled away from Magnus and pushed himself back up against the tub and tried to huddle into the corner as his eyes searched the room. “Where? Where is it?” he demanded.</p>
<p>“Easy. I sent it to the park. It’s miles away from here.  It probably wandered in from all the rain, but it’s gone now.”</p>
<p>Alec heard the words, but he couldn’t relax. He felt dizzy and nauseous, and he couldn’t catch his breath.</p>
<p>“Try to match my breathing, ok? Look at me. Just like this.” Magnus took in a deep breath and exhaled slowly.</p>
<p>Alec tried. His chest still felt as if someone was squeezing him, but he did manage to match Magnus’s pace.</p>
<p>“Good. Ok, now let’s get you up.” Magnus reached for him again.</p>
<p>Everything hurt, but Alec let himself be pulled up and helped out of the tub. Magnus wrapped a fluffy towel around him and led him into the bedroom. His legs felt wobbly and the nausea was still there, but his mind finally seemed to be registering that the threat was over.</p>
<p>“You got a little banged up. I’m just going to take a look, all right?” Magnus asked as he guided Alec to sit on the side of the bed.</p>
<p>Magnus was still talking to him in that calm voice which he both appreciated and hated. It was a far but welcome cry from how his parents had reacted to his fear of spiders, but he didn’t want Magnus seeing him as someone he had to coddle. He was already feeling bad enough, and a heavy dose of shame didn’t help.</p>
<p>“Mm fine,” he muttered. He refused to look at Magnus, and instead focused on the towel that Magnus had wrapped around his waist.  He picked at a loose thread and tried to tune out everything that still felt so wrong. He could feel the residual pain in his head and on his back, but he didn’t want to address those right now. It was just more evidence of his weakness.</p>
<p>“Hmmm. You’re a bit bloody, and it looks as you may have hit your head on the way down. Head wounds can be tricky, and I’d rather be safe than sorry.  May I?”</p>
<p>Alec nodded. If he’d been on his own, he wouldn’t have bothered to heal anything, but it wasn’t fair to Magnus to make him worry. He felt the tingling sensation of Magnus’s magic wash over him. In addition to his minor injuries, his magic also helped with the nausea.</p>
<p>“Thanks.”</p>
<p>“Of course.” Magnus hesitated a moment before reaching over and taking Alec’s hand. “Alexander, are you ok?”</p>
<p>Alec hadn’t thought he could feel more embarrassed, but he did with that question. He didn’t know how to answer him, so he just muttered another ‘fine’.</p>
<p>Magnus gave his hand a squeeze. “Could you look at me?”</p>
<p>Alec lifted his head and looked at his boyfriend. Instead of the judgment, he saw concern, and he didn’t know what to do with that.</p>
<p>“It’s ok. You know that, right?”</p>
<p>Alec knew what he meant, but he was wrong. He shook his head and tried to pull his hand away, but Magnus tightened his grip.</p>
<p>“Alexander, please talk to me.”</p>
<p>Alec opened his mouth to reassure Magnus, but the words wouldn’t come out. He didn’t know what to say. It wasn’t all right. It had never been, and it never would be. He was a Shadowhunter. An irrational fear had no room in his life. “Can we please just forget about this?” he finally asked.</p>
<p>Magnus frowned and gave his hand a final squeeze before letting it go. “If that’s what you want, then ok. Dinner is almost ready. I’ll go ahead and set the table.” He stood and pressed a small kiss to Alec’s temple before he left the bedroom.</p>
<p>Alec felt the unwelcome burn in his eyes. This is what he’d wanted, but he felt even worse now. This is how he’d always reacted around his parents and even Jace and Izzy to some degree if he’d been in the unfortunate situation of them witnessing his reaction to spiders. And they had always accepted it and moved on, as if they all agreed that it was better to not acknowledge it or feed into it. But Magnus was different. He seemed genuinely upset on Alec’s behalf, and Alec didn’t know what to do with that.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Magnus returned to the kitchen and began sorting their take-out onto plates. He and Alec both had a trying day, and they had decided to order in as opposed to going out. Magnus waved his hand over the plates and reheated them. He had just accepted the delivery when he heard Alec’s shout from the bathroom.</p>
<p>He had been looking forward to a quiet evening with his boyfriend, and now he had to wonder if they were going to be contending with Alec’s issues all night. He sighed, knowing he was being unfair. Based on what he’d seen, he assumed Alec had a fear of spiders. Nephilim don’t tend to publicize their weaknesses, but Magnus knew everyone has an issue of some sort. No, he was more concerned about Alec’s view of his perceived weakness. He could practically feel the wall Alec was putting up between them.</p>
<p>He carried the plates out to the table and had just set them down when Alec came out of the bedroom. He was barefoot and dressed in a pair of sleep pants and a t-shirt. Magnus gave him a warm smile and tried to ignore Alec’s slow pace and the self-conscious smile he returned.</p>
<p>“Smells good,” he said.</p>
<p>“Indeed,” Magnus agreed. He summoned their water glasses to the table and took a seat. “Shall we?”</p>
<p>Dinner was an awkward affair with Alec giving one word answers and barely making eye contact. Magnus honestly would have let it all go, but Alec was clearly struggling, and it hurt to see him like this. He cleared away the dinner dishes and held his hand out to Alec. “Join me on the balcony?”</p>
<p>He led them over to the small sofa in the corner where they had spent many a night cuddled up. It was a cool evening, and the crisp air gave Magnus the excuse he needed to pull Alec into his arms. He’d always loved it when Alec would curl up against him and allow himself to be held, and he hoped tonight would be no different. He was not disappointed.</p>
<p>“Cold?” he asked.</p>
<p>“A little,” Alec said as he leaned back against Magnus’s chest.</p>
<p>Magnus summoned a blanket and settled it over them. “Better?”</p>
<p>Alec nodded.</p>
<p>It was so peaceful that Magnus was almost tempted to not bring up the earlier incident, but he couldn’t stand the thought of Alec beating himself up. “Alexander?”</p>
<p>“Hmm?”</p>
<p>“About earlier….” He felt Alec tense up, and he tightened his hold and pressed a kiss to his temple. He decided a different approach might be needed. “Before we were intimate that first time, I was worried about you seeing my Warlock mark. The idea of being so exposed was more than uncomfortable.”</p>
<p>“It’s not the same thing. Your cat eyes are beautiful. They’re a part of you, not a weakness.”</p>
<p>“Having a phobia doesn’t make you any less of a Shadowhunter. And I never want you to feel embarrassed around me.”</p>
<p>“Magnus, you had to get me out of the shower like a child.” Alec pulled out of his grip and sat up next to him but kept his gaze turned down towards his lap.</p>
<p>“And I had more than enough reasons to be worried about how you would react to my eyes. While you find them appealing, others have not responded so kindly. I was hesitant, and you showed me that I had no reason to doubt you. I hope that you can find that same comfort with me. Phobias are not to be taken lightly, and I would never judge you. Nor do I want you feeling poorly about yourself. I know I won’t change your mind tonight, but you don’t have to put up a strong front. It’s ok to seek comfort from me.”</p>
<p>“It’s seems like that’s all I do.”</p>
<p>“I assure you it’s not, but I must admit that I do like the moments that you lean on me. It makes me feel as if you trust me enough to be vulnerable around me.”</p>
<p>Alec finally looked up and met his eyes. “Of course, I trust you.”</p>
<p>Magnus smiled and dropped his glamour for a moment. He was rewarded with Alec’s soft laugh. He opened his arms, and Alec settled back up against him. It was enough for now.</p>
<p> </p>
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